Can I Buy You A Beard?

Between the tasting room I manage, being out and about for MTGA and life in general there has been a question that keeps popping up:

“How do you keep that beard lookin’ good?”

Well, it isn’t an easy answer. That said I am going to dig into the details as much as possible for you folks to dispel as much of the mystery as I can without being too overwhelming:

  1. First and foremost having a beard is a privilege and responsibility. Just because you have a pair does not mean you are entitled to or deserve a beard. That needs to be in your mind at all times. Not everyone can rock a solid beard and you need to ensure that your getup is in fact solid.
  2. Love thy beard as thou loves thyself. You need to treat it with respect which means near constant attention and upkeep such as:
    • Shampoo and conditioning.
    • A quick comb or straightening up after a shower, bath, hot tub sesh or whatever to keep it looking fresh.
    • Regular trimming to keep it from getting scraggly. There is a big difference between bushy/full and scraggly. DON’T LET IT GET SCRAGGLY.
    • Regular trimming means having the right equipment – whether that is a heavy duty trimmer or your favorite pair of scissors. Either way, ensure you are confident and have surgical-like precision with whatever tools you are using.
    • Clean lines. In conjunction with the previous two points make sure your face and neck don’t look like a war zone of skin fighting for air as the onslaught of beardedness tries take you over.
    • If you are going for the neard, monkey tail, mutton chops, anchor, klingon or any other style – ensure you are doing it accurately.
    • If all else fails have your local barbershop, not hair salon or stylist, on speed dial. If you are going to have someone else dialing in your awesomeness for you at least watch some sports and have a beer in hand while they do your dirty work.
  3. Last but not least, and not necessarily related, cut that man-bun off immediately.

Now go get ’em.

**Girlfriend side bar – “There are names for people that don’t have beards…they are called women.” -Brittany



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